Relationship Counseling Temecula. Over the last 20 years there has been centered attention on the significance of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The hypothesis is that the bigger the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the "good enough" connection the couple has. What is actually fascinating about connection/attachment is that it is a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our possibilities of surviving and having longevity over a period of time. It's also the first thing in our committed love relations to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement in the couple.
Divorce stats in America are amazing. In first marriages it is 50%, in 2nd marriages it is 67% and 3rd marriages it is 73%. Given these numbers, it would sound right that if you have a good relationship you would wish to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it'd be sensible to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been extremely rare to see a couple present for treatment in the beginning stages of marriage or relationship discord. It is more normal to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can not be ignored anymore.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that suggests there is a problem is "nothing is ok" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being reviewed and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new techniques of connecting with one another.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a neglecting to repair those conflicts. The purpose of treatment here should be not on conflict avoidance just to help couples towards conflict resolution by increasing their skill base in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair distressing/indignant feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The 5th indicator has to do with what's known in psychology as "projection." This is a protection mechanism whereby the individual fails to see his or her own gaffes and endowments all negative errors/marks to their partner. What is particularly interesting about this is that at the start of a relationship it is totally opposite. The individual will attribute more positive attributes/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that occurs in time in dysfunctional relations that changes this dynamic? According to the research it's the erosion of the friendship, the bedrock of the relationship that starts to go to pot over a period. Therefore , the antidote to this is to rebuild the friendship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to protracted unresolved issues/discussions. Issues overmaster the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relations. The cause of this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a repeated state of raised hysteria; with increased heartbeat rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of prolonged strain clouds our capability to listen and make choices. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing secrets as well as self and other soothing strategies, which should assist them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to market problem solving.
In summation, a pair wants to remain aware, aware, playful, and merciful with one another. Renewing closeness and learning new or forgotten methods of engaging with one another promote a healthy relationship.
Divorce stats in America are amazing. In first marriages it is 50%, in 2nd marriages it is 67% and 3rd marriages it is 73%. Given these numbers, it would sound right that if you have a good relationship you would wish to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it'd be sensible to keep your wedding or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet how many of us do this? In my 30 years of expertise in working with couples it has been extremely rare to see a couple present for treatment in the beginning stages of marriage or relationship discord. It is more normal to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much trouble that it can not be ignored anymore.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that suggests there is a problem is "nothing is ok" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being reviewed and criticized by your partner. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman refers to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new techniques of connecting with one another.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a neglecting to repair those conflicts. The purpose of treatment here should be not on conflict avoidance just to help couples towards conflict resolution by increasing their skill base in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair distressing/indignant feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The 5th indicator has to do with what's known in psychology as "projection." This is a protection mechanism whereby the individual fails to see his or her own gaffes and endowments all negative errors/marks to their partner. What is particularly interesting about this is that at the start of a relationship it is totally opposite. The individual will attribute more positive attributes/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that occurs in time in dysfunctional relations that changes this dynamic? According to the research it's the erosion of the friendship, the bedrock of the relationship that starts to go to pot over a period. Therefore , the antidote to this is to rebuild the friendship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to protracted unresolved issues/discussions. Issues overmaster the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relations. The cause of this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a repeated state of raised hysteria; with increased heartbeat rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of prolonged strain clouds our capability to listen and make choices. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing secrets as well as self and other soothing strategies, which should assist them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to market problem solving.
In summation, a pair wants to remain aware, aware, playful, and merciful with one another. Renewing closeness and learning new or forgotten methods of engaging with one another promote a healthy relationship.
About the Author:
Linda Comin practices relationship counseling in Temecula, CA. She will be able to found at Psychological consultant Temecula.
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